Update on My Journey (Trigger Warning: Bullying)
Hey everyone, just wanted to share some new thoughts. It’s been a rough road without friends – never had any in elementary, middle school, or high school.
Transferring to a large high school has only intensified my feelings of loneliness, especially since I came from a small middle school where I spent years with the same classmates. Some of them are in my current school, but that hasn’t changed anything for me.
Honestly, I’ve never had real-life friends. I chat with people online, but I have no clue what it’s truly like to share that kind of bond. Socializing outside of school isn’t the issue; I can manage conversations fine. I guess I’ve earned the label of the “weird kid,” but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m a gay guy, or maybe it’s just my appearance. Thankfully, no one’s outed me yet – at least I hope so.
I’m involved in clubs, but I hardly engage with anyone outside those spaces. I often feel like a backup friend. Lately, I’ve even started skipping lunch because the fear of how others see me is overwhelming.
School events? Not happening. The memories of middle school haunt me. I really don’t want to go through that again. It was brutal – a kid actually broke my finger during dodgeball, and the reactions were just horrific. Everyone laughed, and I was the target. Here are some quotes from our group chats that still sting:
- “You must be so malnourished that you broke your finger from dodgeball” (the day after I had surgery).
- “(Name), no one likes you, you anime-loving loser.” (Just to clarify, I don’t even watch anime.)
- “You should stop dying your hair those ugly colors.” (I had dyed it pink.)
- “You act like you’re above everyone but you’re on the bottom of the food chain.” (Not true.)
- “Your hair looks like someone spilled cotton candy on it.”
- “You’re built like an asparagus.” (I was struggling with iron deficiency and eating, not an eating disorder.)
And to think I was only 11 when I dealt with this and didn’t open up to anyone about it.
Now, I face the reality of never having had a best friend or even been in a relationship. I do have a crush, but I barely see him – maybe once a year. I’m unsure how to approach that, so I’m just focusing on academics for now.
What do I do next? I can’t imagine spending my life feeling this way. Any advice would mean so much.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a tough time. It’s really hard to feel isolated, especially when bullying adds to the weight of everything. Please know that you’re not alone in this; many people have struggled with making friends or feeling accepted, especially during those awkward middle and high school years.
It sounds like you’re very self-aware and have a lot to offer as a friend; just remember that friendships can take time to develop. Here are a few suggestions that might help:
Connect with Club Members: Since you’re in clubs, maybe start by forming connections there. You can try reaching out to a few people individually after meetings or exchanging social media to start some light conversations. Sometimes friendships can grow from shared interests.
Find Smaller Groups: If your high school is large, it might help to look for smaller groups or activities. This can create a more intimate environment where it’s easier to connect with others.
Be Yourself: While it’s easy to focus on how you perceive yourself, remember that authenticity can help you attract the right friends. Those who will appreciate you for you—not just your interests or appearance.
Talk It Out: If feeling overwhelmed, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or counselor about what you’re experiencing. They can provide guidance and support.
Explore New Opportunities: Consider activities outside of school where you can meet new people, like local groups, volunteer organizations, or classes based on your interests.
Build Confidence Gradually: Sometimes taking small steps towards socializing can help. Start with small interactions and allow yourself to get comfortable with each step.
As for your crush, maybe think about starting a casual conversation online or when you do see him. Finding common ground can make it easier to express your feelings over time.
It’s okay to not have it all figured out immediately. Focus on small steps, and remember that it’s completely valid to want meaningful connections. You deserve friends who accept you for who you are. Keep being brave, and don’t hesitate to seek support when you need it.