Am I in the wrong, or is my school?
I apologize for the length of this post, but I have a lot to share.
I’ve recently started attending a Catholic school, and I’ve only been there for three weeks. The school is quite old, and it’s held in high regard by the community. I didn’t initially plan to switch schools, but since my last one was far from home, this one ended up being my best option. My twin sister and I had an interview with the school counselor last year, and since we’re both good students, we thought we were easily accepted. The counselor informed us about the school’s Catholic values and various activities, and we were open to participating, eager to learn more about this new environment.
Once school started, our homeroom teacher informed us of a specific rule: all girls must tie their hair up at all times. Although we were aware of this rule, we both have very short curly hair. A friend from the school advised us that we probably wouldn’t be reprimanded since our hair was so short. So, we decided not to comply initially. Throughout the first week, we received reminders from multiple teachers about the hair rule. We then cut our hair even shorter over the weekend, thinking this would settle the issue. Unfortunately, they still insisted it wasn’t acceptable. We negotiated to use bobby pins, but it still wasn’t deemed enough. Eventually, we resorted to wearing headbands, which, while uncomfortable, we hoped would satisfy the requirement—yet, that still fell short in their eyes.
The second issue revolves around what they call our “difficulty integrating into the class.” Both of us are pretty introverted, and like many teens aged 12-17, we struggle with socializing and sometimes feel embarrassed in new situations. The school has a dedicated class aimed at breaking the ice and fostering social interaction, something we found surprising since it was never mandatory in our previous schools. We didn’t participate on the first day, thinking it wasn’t compulsory, which led to a visit from the counselor. She and I discussed our hesitance to engage, and I stated that I felt we had nothing in common with our classmates. While I acknowledge that my phrasing was off, I didn’t trust her enough to share my deeper feelings of social anxiety. The counselor labeled our behavior as having “an attitude problem,” which baffled me. We were willing to engage, but being new and introverted made it challenging. She insisted that we needed to integrate more, stating our grades would suffer if we didn’t participate, despite our previous experiences not being graded in that way.
Our mom was informed about the situation, which only added to our frustration. They claimed we wrote notes to each other in class, said we were disruptive, and accused me of responding poorly in the meeting. They even highlighted a vague comment I made about feeling like others were “praying for my downfall,” which my mom found embarrassing. This all led to her calling a meeting with the counselor, who continued to echo their concerns, insisting we were showing no improvement and acted as if we had negative attitudes towards participation.
Then, during dance class, I mentioned that my mom had spoken to our homeroom teacher about alternative activities since we weren’t comfortable dancing, but the teacher hadn’t been informed. Again, we were sent to the headmistress’s office. She insisted on the necessity of following old school rules, regardless of our backgrounds or beliefs. She made it clear that our introversion was an issue and suggested we might need to be transferred to different classes if we didn’t comply.
Throughout these discussions, it felt like she had a personal bias against us. It’s disheartening to see other students who engage in disruptive behavior without facing consequences while we struggle to be heard. My mom believes the school’s approach to introversion is gaslighting, attempting to make us feel like our natural demeanor is wrong.
It sounds like you’re in a really challenging situation, and it’s understandable to feel frustrated. From what you’ve shared, it seems like there are a few key issues at play.
School Rules and Expectations: The school’s strict policies regarding hair and participation seem to clash with your personal comfort and expression. It’s not uncommon for students to feel that some rules are outdated or unnecessary, especially when they don’t seem to account for individual differences, like hair texture or comfort levels.
Social Integration: Transitioning to a new school can be tough, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety around socializing. It’s concerning that the school isn’t taking your feelings into account, even though they seem to be emphasizing integration and participation. Everyone has different social styles, and being introverted doesn’t mean you have an “attitude problem.”
Communication Issues: It seems like there’s a significant breakdown in communication between you, the school staff, and your mom. The counselor’s approach, including sharing personal notes without your consent and labeling your behavior negatively, can understandably cause mistrust and frustration. Also, it sounds like there’s a lack of understanding from the staff regarding social anxiety and introversion, which could contribute to the situation being perceived incorrectly.
Inconsistency in Discipline: It’s also puzzling how some students’ behavior goes unpunished while yours seems to receive disproportionate attention. This inconsistency can feel unfair and lead to feelings of alienation.
In conclusion, while every school has rules and expectations, it’s vital that they also consider individual needs and backgrounds. You’re not wrong for wanting to be comfortable and to express your personality in a way that feels right for you. It may be worth having a more open dialogue with your mom and the school about your experiences and feelings, perhaps together, to seek a resolution that feels fair and supportive. Remember, it’s okay to advocate for yourself and your sister, especially in a new environment. You deserve to feel heard and understood.