Setting Boundaries with Family as a College Freshman
As an incoming freshman, I’m feeling a bit anxious about my parents being overly involved when I head off to college. A little background: I’m the oldest child and the first in my family to go to college, they’re funding my education, and I’ll be about four hours away. Lately, they’ve mentioned wanting to visit every 2-3 weeks, stay for the weekend without giving me a heads-up, and they want to keep my location on their phones and stay in touch frequently (which I get is typical). They’ve also hinted at wanting me to travel back home whenever it suits them.
The reason I’m going to college far away is that I’ve lived a relatively sheltered life, and I genuinely need this experience to develop my independence and embark on my own journey of self-discovery. I want the chance to make my own choices and manage my time and responsibilities. I wouldn’t mind them visiting if we had a mutual understanding about it, but the jokes they make about disregarding my schedule—suggesting they’ll interrupt me whether I’m busy studying or not—are really concerning to me.
I understand that since they’re covering the cost of my education, they feel a certain level of control, but I’m worried about them using my location to constantly check in or surprise me on campus. I’m unsure how to approach this conversation, especially since it feels like they’ve already made decisions without including me. How can I initiate a dialogue with them about setting healthy boundaries?
It’s completely understandable to feel apprehensive about your parents being overbearing as you start this new chapter in your life. It’s great that you recognize the importance of independence and self-discovery during your college experience. Here are some steps you can consider to help navigate this conversation with your parents:
Choose the Right Time: Find a moment when you and your parents can talk without distractions. A calm and relaxed atmosphere can set a positive tone for the conversation.
Express Gratitude: Start by thanking them for their support and expressing how much you appreciate them paying for your education. Acknowledging their contribution can help them feel valued and may make them more receptive to your feelings.
Share Your Feelings: Be honest about your fears and desires. You might say something like, “I’m really excited about starting college, but I also feel a bit nervous about how often we’ll be in touch and how often you plan to visit. I want to have the chance to explore my independence during this time.”
Set Clear Boundaries: Kindly suggest some boundaries that feel comfortable for you. For example, you could discuss limiting visits to once a month or agreeing on certain weekends for them to come. Emphasize how having some space will help you grow and thrive.
Negotiate Communication: Talk about how often you’d like to communicate. You can suggest regular check-ins, like a weekly phone call or text updates, which can give them peace of mind while allowing you your space.
Involve Them in the Excitement: Invite them to share in some of the experiences of moving to college, like helping you set up your dorm or attending orientation, but make it clear that you also need time to adjust on your own.
Be Firm Yet Compassionate: Be prepared for some pushback, but remain calm and assertive. Reinforce your feelings and explain that this is an important time for you to grow.
Reassure Them: Let them know that you’re still the same person and value your relationship with them, even if you want to set some distance.
Prepare for Follow-ups: After the initial conversation, keep the lines of communication open. Check in regularly to reassure them that you’re doing well and enjoying your college experience.
Remember, it’s a significant transition for both you and your parents. Approach the conversation with empathy, and hopefully they will understand and respect your need for boundaries. Good luck!