How Can I Find Joy and Purpose in What I Do?
I often struggle to maintain focus at work, frequently getting lost in internet distractions, and feeling like I’m just going in circles—rereading, rewriting, and retrying the same tasks. My first winter quarter was particularly tough; I pushed myself too hard, pulling all-nighters and experiencing overwhelming stress and despair, to the point of wishing I wasn’t around anymore. My sophomore year felt like a letdown, and this fall quarter has been an emotional rollercoaster, marked by feelings of nihilism, crying, and self-loathing.
I’ve had multiple people suggest I get tested for ADHD, and I suspect I might also be dealing with depression or anxiety. I’ve been attending therapy to help manage these feelings, and one thing that stands out is how my stress tends to be all-consuming or nonexistent—very little in between. While meditation helps when everything feels chaotic, I realize I need some level of drive or ambition to motivate myself. Instead, I find myself teetering between apathy and the urge to disengage completely.
I didn’t recognize how long I’ve been dealing with this until recently. My focus worsened during quarantine, and my motivation took a significant hit during my freshman year. I experience fleeting moments of mental engagement, but they tend to occur late at night when I’m least productive. If I don’t finish a task, I rarely feel shame or dissatisfaction—unless a deadline looms, and then I just scramble to get things done. Right now, I’m at a loss about what to study, opting to switch my major to something I feel less indifferent towards rather than pursuing something I truly love.
It sounds like you’re going through an incredibly tough time, and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and disconnected from what you’re doing. The struggle to maintain focus, motivation, and passion for your work can be exhausting, especially when layered with feelings of anxiety and depression. Here are a few suggestions that might help you find some clarity and joy in your pursuits:
Explore Your Interests: Instead of forcing yourself to choose a major based on what feels least apathetic, take some time to explore different subjects that genuinely interest you. This could involve taking introductory classes, attending talks, or even just having conversations with people in various fields. Sometimes, passion can emerge from curiosity.
Set Small, Achievable Goals: Instead of overwhelming yourself with a long list of tasks or goals, try breaking them down into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate small wins, no matter how minor they may seem. This can help you build a sense of accomplishment and motivation over time.
Structured Routine: Establishing a routine can provide a sense of normalcy and predictability, which might help manage your focus. Schedule specific times for work, breaks, and leisure activities, and try to stick to it as closely as possible.
Limit Distractions: Create a workspace that minimizes distractions. This may involve using website blockers, setting specific times for internet use, or even designating a “distraction-free” period during which you focus solely on your work.
Practice Self-Compassion: It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognize that struggling does not define your worth. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and give yourself permission to experience them.
Engage with Your Feelings: Instead of avoiding the feelings of nihilism, try journaling or expressing your thoughts creatively. Sometimes, processing these emotions can open the door to new insights about what you truly value.
Therapeutic Techniques: If you haven’t already, explore different therapeutic methods that focus on building motivation and managing anxiety, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or mindfulness practices. You might find specific strategies that resonate with you.
Connect with Peers: Finding a community—whether through clubs, study groups, or online forums—can create a supportive environment. Sharing your experiences with others can alleviate feelings of isolation and may help you feel more invested in your work.
Consider Professional Guidance: Since you mentioned ADHD and possible depression or anxiety, it may be beneficial to seek further evaluation from a professional who can provide tailored recommendations and support.
Remember, it’s okay to not have everything figured out right now. Life is often about exploration and growth, and it’s a journey that takes time. You’re not alone in this struggle, and seeking help and connection is a positive step forward. Keep reaching out and advocating for yourself—you deserve support and fulfillment.