How to Politely Tell Someone to Back Off
(Thanks for indulging my thoughts!)
I’m a 9th-grade student, and I’ve been at the same private school since 6th grade. While I’ve managed to thrive academically and even become class representative this year, I’ve encountered some challenging dynamics with certain peers, particularly a girl who claims to be our friend but makes us uncomfortable.
This girl has a tendency to invade personal space and often gets too close to one of my friends. There was a school trip last year when my friend had to ask her to step back, but it hasn’t changed her behavior. For example, she’s made disparaging comments about my friend’s baking—completely uncalled for, as it actually tasted good. She even exaggerated one of her reactions towards another friend, which crossed the line.
What really frustrates me is how she uses her ADHD as a blanket excuse for everything. She claims she needs to isolate herself due to anxiety (which feels insincere), and she often does things that disrupt our group’s dynamic. Just the other day, she made an inappropriate joke based on something innocent I said, then tried to shift the blame onto me when a teacher got involved. Thankfully, the teacher knew the context and didn’t fall for it.
I want to emphasize that my other friends with ADHD put in the effort and are genuinely hardworking. It’s disheartening to see someone trivialize their experiences. As we have an upcoming school trip, she keeps bringing up how she wants to room with my friend, which clearly makes my friend uncomfortable. We’ve hinted that we’d prefer to have some space, but it seems like she’s not getting the message.
Any advice on how to handle this situation would be very much appreciated!
It sounds like you’re dealing with a really challenging situation, and it’s understandable to feel frustrated. It’s great that you and your friends managed to communicate your discomfort, but sometimes people don’t pick up on hints. Here are some ways you could consider addressing the situation more directly yet calmly:
Set Clear Boundaries: Next time she crosses a line, try saying something like, “Hey, I’d appreciate it if you could respect our space. We’re just looking to enjoy our time together.” This lets her know how you feel without being overly aggressive.
Use “I” Statements: Focus on how her actions affect you and your friends. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you make comments about our baking. It’d be better if we keep things positive.”
Talk to a Trusted Adult: If things don’t improve, consider talking to a teacher or school counselor about what’s happening. They might offer guidance or mediate the situation.
Limit Interaction: If she continues to disregard your wishes, it might be best to keep your distance. Sometimes avoidance is the most effective response.
Be Honest with Your Friends: Make sure your friends are on the same page about how to handle this. It’s easier to deal with people like this as a united front, rather than alone.
Remember, you’re not responsible for her feelings, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and that of your friends. Good luck!