Feeling envious of the popular kids from high school, even nearly two decades later?
For some context, I’ve never had many friends—just one or two here and there for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t the bubbly, outgoing type. I always thought I could be, but shyness held me back. I have a sense of lingering victimhood from my childhood, as I navigated the loss and struggles of both my parents—one through death and the other through addiction—leaving me feeling a bit broken when it comes to trust. No amount of therapy has been able to undo that damage.
I attended two different high schools: one in a wealthy area and another that was known for its overall excellence. Ironically, I gained nothing from those experiences. They didn’t help me gain admission to college, and I struggled to make or maintain friendships, remaining largely unnoticed. I often felt like an outsider and found myself envious of the popular girls—those who excelled in sports, wore the best clothes, and were surrounded by friends. Even now, I can’t quite pinpoint why I felt so invisible, but that feeling continues to linger into my thirties.
I’m married now and have a few close friends, but I still occasionally find myself scrolling through social media, looking at those girls’ lives. High school seemed to unfold perfectly for them. They earned scholarships, maintained friendship circles, and created countless joyful memories that followed them into college. Now, they appear to have flourishing careers, loving marriages, and children—seemingly filled with laughter, warmth, and cherished moments. Meanwhile, I can’t shake the emptiness inside, as if something essential is missing.
I focus on taking care of myself and building a life with my husband, but sometimes it feels harsh and unkind. My hometown doesn’t bring me the warmth and comfort it offers those girls. I often find myself wishing I could relive my life as one of them, to experience that sense of belonging and success, even knowing that their lives aren’t perfect either. It’s disheartening to feel that mine doesn’t even measure up, even all these years later.
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of weight from your past experiences, and it’s completely understandable to feel that way. High school can be an incredibly formative time, and if you felt like an outsider, that can leave lasting impressions. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings of envy and sadness, as they often stem from the desire for connection and acceptance—something we all crave.
You mentioned having a few good friends and a supportive marriage, which is a positive step forward. It’s worth recognizing that while the popular kids may appear to have it all together, social media often paints an incomplete picture. We never really know the struggles they may be facing beneath the surface.
Instead of comparing your journey to theirs, consider focusing on the progress you’ve made. Building authentic relationships takes time, and it sounds like you’re putting in the effort to enhance your life now. Perhaps you could explore new activities or communities where you can meet people who share your interests and values, which might lead to deeper connections.
As for those old memories and feelings of envy, it can help to reframe them. Instead of wishing you had lived a different life, think of how your experiences can shape your perspective today. Who you are now, shaped by both your struggles and triumphs, gives you unique strengths and empathy that can help you connect with others who might feel the same way you did.
Remember, it’s okay to seek support as you navigate these feelings. There isn’t a timeline for healing, and it’s perfectly valid to take your time. You are not alone in this journey, and there’s still so much ahead of you. Embrace your path and the opportunities that come with it.