Update: My Struggle with Loneliness (TW: Bullying)
I wanted to share an update about my experience with friendships, or really the lack of them, throughout my life. I’ve never had friends in elementary, middle school, or now in high school.
My current school feels huge to me since I transferred from a small middle school where I was with the same group of kids for years. Some of those classmates are now in my high school, but I still feel just as isolated.
I’ve truly never had friends in real life. I do chat with some people online, but I really don’t know what it’s like to have a close friendship. It’s not that I struggle with socializing—I can talk to people just fine outside of school. But I’ve always been seen as the “weird kid,” and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m openly gay, or maybe it’s just about how I look. Thankfully, my old classmates haven’t outed me yet, and I hope it stays that way.
Sure, I participate in clubs, but I don’t engage with anyone outside of those activities. I feel like a backup friend, to be honest. I avoid eating lunch at school because I’m terrified of what others think of me.
School events are off-limits for me. I’m afraid of reliving the bullying I faced in middle school, which was really severe. A kid once broke my finger during dodgeball, and the entire class laughed. They sent me cruel messages on our group chat that still haunt me:
- “You’re just so malnourished that you broke your finger from a dodgeball.” (This was the day after my surgery.)
- “(NAME), no one likes you, anime-loving b****.” (I don’t even watch anime.)
- “You should stop dyeing your hair those ugly colors.” (My hair was pink at the time.)
- “You think you’re above everyone, but you’re at the bottom of the food chain.” (Not true.)
- “Yeah, your hair looks like someone pissed all over it after eating 4 tons of cotton candy.”
- “You’re built like an asparagus.” (I was iron deficient and struggled with eating—this wasn’t an eating disorder, just a personal issue.)
I was just 11 years old when all this happened, and I didn’t talk to anyone about it.
I honestly don’t know where to turn. I’ve never had a best friend, and I’ve never dated anyone. I do have a crush, but I only see him maybe once a year, and I have no idea how to approach that. For now, I’m focused on my academics.
What can I do at this point? I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’ve been through some incredibly tough experiences, especially with bullying and feeling isolated. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed in such a big school, especially after coming from a smaller environment where you had the same classmates for years.
First off, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel like you don’t fit in or that you haven’t found your community yet. Making friends can be really difficult, especially when you’ve faced so much negativity in the past. It’s not a reflection of your worth as a person; sometimes it just takes time to find the right people who appreciate you for who you are.
Regarding your concerns about your crush, maybe you can start small. If you get a chance to see him, just try to have a casual conversation; it doesn’t have to be anything heavy. Just getting comfortable talking can help ease some of the pressure.
Joining clubs is a good step, but it might help to approach it in a way where you focus on shared interests rather than feeling like a “backup friend.” Try to engage more in activities, even if it feels scary at first. Sometimes, people connect over shared experiences rather than just who they are in general.
As for school events, it might be worth giving them a shot. If you can go with just one other person—a classmate or someone from your club—it might make it less daunting. Building connections takes time and vulnerability, and it’s completely okay to move at your own pace.
Also, consider talking to a trusted adult about what you’ve been through. Whether it’s a teacher, school counselor, or someone outside of school, it can really help to express how you’re feeling and find support.
Finally, remember that it’s never too late to form friendships and connections. You’re not alone, and there are people out there who would appreciate your uniqueness and want to be part of your life. Keep pushing forward, and be kind to yourself in the process. You deserve to find happiness and connection.