I’m feeling incredibly lonely and like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not sure if this is the best place to share my thoughts since I can’t post in vent due to karma requirements, but I just need to express how I’m feeling.
As a junior, I’ve never felt so far behind. I’ve been procrastinating on my studies and ended up failing my first class. I put a lot of effort into an assignment for math, only to receive a B-, which has left me feeling like a complete failure. I’ve cut so many people out of my life and stopped participating in activities, and now everything feels stagnant. After coming home from school today, I found myself crying for an hour because I just feel so awful.
I’m also struggling with speaking up in class, which is affecting my grades. There are people who try to engage with me, but I often feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to respond. Today, we were chatting and it was going well, but after getting a bad grade, I shut down and awkwardly withdrew from the conversation. I want to join clubs to meet new friends, but I’m terrified of being judged or not finding anyone I connect with. I used to be outgoing, but some experiences in 8th and 9th grade made me quieter, and it’s hard to break out of that shell now.
I want to be interesting and involved, but I feel lost and unmotivated. I’m worried about slipping back into harmful thoughts I’ve been working to overcome and I know I need to reach out to others and expand my social circle, but I struggle with knowing what to say. I’ve been in therapy before, but I feel ashamed to go back since I don’t think I’ve made much progress.
I also have some issues with eating, and I feel judged for how I look when I’m out in public, even though I know it’s partly my own doing. I wish I could talk to people more easily, but anxiety holds me back.
I’m at a point where I don’t know how to make friends or connect with anyone, especially since my school is really small and there aren’t many options. I sometimes envy those who always seem to know what to say or have interesting things going on in their lives. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I bury myself in my work and when I receive a bad grade, I end up punishing myself for it. I think having friends would help me take my mind off things, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never truly fit in.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It’s important to know that you’re not alone in your struggles, and many people go through challenging times, especially during high school.
First, please remember that a B- is not a failure; it’s a good grade, and it’s great that you put effort into your assignment! It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes, especially with everything you’re dealing with. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders, and it’s okay to allow yourself to feel those emotions.
It’s commendable that you want to connect with others and join clubs, even if it’s intimidating. Maybe you could start small by just saying “hi” to someone or asking a simple question. Sometimes, taking baby steps can lessen that overwhelming feeling. People often appreciate vulnerability, and you might be surprised at how many others feel similarly anxious about social interactions.
If you’re feeling like you might revert to harmful thoughts, it’s really important to seek support. Feeling ashamed for past struggles is common, but remember that it’s okay to ask for help and that therapy can be a helpful tool. You deserve support, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Regarding your eating concerns, please consider discussing that with someone you trust or seeking professional help if you feel comfortable doing so. Taking care of your physical health can improve your mental health as well.
You are not pathetic for what you’re going through – you’re human. It’s okay to take a step back, reflect, and figure things out at your own pace. You are doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that’s something to be proud of. Focus on small steps, and be kind to yourself during this process. Please take care.