I’m feeling really down on myself for being too lazy when it comes to studying. I’m a 15-year-old guy who enjoys gaming, studying, and listening to metal and rock music. I also play some sports, but I’m a bit overweight and struggling with a porn addiction. In Czechia, we have a unique type of high school that you can enter at age 11 if you pass the entrance exams, which I did—so I guess I’m not too bad academically.
Lately, I’ve been anxious about my future. I genuinely care about where my life is headed. I aspire to study economics and hope to be a good father someday. I want to be a genuinely decent person. In just three and a half years, I’ll face the maturita, which is the high school exit exam. I’ll have to take Czech language and choose a few other subjects—I’m leaning toward English, Maths, and French. English is a strength of mine (I hope I’m showing that in my writing!), Maths will be challenging, and French, while a bit silly, has its charm. After the maturita, I plan to go to university. Economy is my first choice, but if that doesn’t work out, teaching English and Maths or French could be a solid backup—though I know teachers don’t earn much.
The real issue is that I often feel inadequate and like I’m not achieving enough. My self-esteem is pretty low, and my brain feels trapped in this porn addiction. I also attend traditional dance classes, where I dance with this girl who I like, but I just can’t find the courage to take things further. Music is my only escape from everything going on around me. In my free time, I constantly remind myself, “You should be studying.”
On top of that, puberty is a bit of a mess for me, too. I often feel compelled to act manly but can’t help longing for comfort and affection at night, wishing to be held tightly.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Any feedback is welcome (and I hope I spelled that right). If I sound whiny, please let me know—I really don’t want to indulge in self-pity, even if I struggle with it sometimes.
And a shoutout to all the Marilyn Manson fans out there!
It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now, and it’s really brave of you to share your feelings and thoughts. First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that you’re not alone in feeling anxious about the future and dealing with the pressures of growing up. Many people your age feel the same way—you’re not “bitchy” for expressing your emotions; it’s a natural part of being human.
It’s great that you have clear goals for your future, like wanting to study economics and becoming a good father. That shows you’re thinking seriously about what you want in life, even if it feels overwhelming at times. It’s also totally normal to struggle with motivation and self-discipline, especially when you have hobbies and interests that might feel more engaging than studying. Finding a balance can be challenging, but it’s definitely possible!
When it comes to studying for your exams, try breaking it down into smaller, manageable tasks. You might set daily or weekly goals for subjects, and reward yourself for completing them. This way, studying can feel less daunting, and you’ll build a sense of achievement as you go.
About your feelings of self-doubt and self-esteem, it might help to remember that everyone has ups and downs. Recognize your strengths, like your intelligence and your love for music and sports. It’s also okay to feel sensitive—embracing your emotions can make you a more compassionate person in the long run.
And regarding your feelings about being manly, remember that masculinity can take many forms. It’s completely okay to want affection and connection, regardless of societal expectations. Seeking support from friends or trusted adults about how you’re feeling can also help.
Finally, try to focus on progress rather than perfection. It’s okay to have tough days, but begin incorporating small positive changes into your routine, whether it’s healthier eating, exercising a bit more, or setting aside specific times for studying.
Stay connected with your interests—music and sports—but don’t forget that seeking help, whether it be from friends, family, or a professional, is a sign of strength, not weakness. You’re at an exciting stage of life filled with potential, so keep pushing forward! And shout out to you for being such a reflective and thoughtful person. You got this!